Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Decisions.

The last few weeks have left me mulling over some big decisions.  I'm one to procrastinate until the last minute before a deadline (quite often several minutes/hours/days after, too, come to think of it) but despite taking no action, I'll happily preoccupy myself with the thought of a decision ages before it's ever necessary.  I'll make timetables.  I'll chart out degree requirements.  I'll calculate fees and rent and commute and living costs.  Generally I'll make very good use of my limited Excel skills and my unlimited love for colour-coding to a pretty much pointless end.

What's been preoccupying me lately is a perennial favourite: the future.  A career? Another degree? Another move .. or two?  The reason this unconquerable itch has become harder to ignore than ever is that I'm no longer reassured that the future is too far off to think about.  It's not.  The details may not be ready to be tackled until later next year, but the general plan, the end point, the forward momentum all have to come into fruition pretty shortly.  Pretty soon I'll know where I will or won't or might need to live during and after my fourth year.  Pretty soon after that I'll have to think of things to preoccupy myself with while I'm there.  Pretty soon after that I'll have to go about getting someone to accept me into that field of preoccupation.  And after that?

The next several weeks are going to be full of these unavoidable, unmanageable, and more or less unlikeable decisions.  Excel will take a beating.  Charts, tables and lists will be borne of encouraging colour schemes and tediously-drawn layouts.  Just as surely, they will all be deleted when their implications become to scary to think about.  I'll fret and fuss and find a new program every week that sounds like just the type of life's calling I ought to have before tossing it aside for something with more letters or less hours or better job security.

Out of it all, though, will come something remarkable.  Out of it all will come a decision.  The weeks ahead are looking unruly, unpredictable, and generally frightening - but shit, do they ever look bright.

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